Im supposed to stay strong for everyone else, but what happens if i cant even stay strong for myself?

i feel like there is no one out there that i can be honest with. like, completely honest about how i feel or what im thinking.
i hate that people make me feel like im imperfect or not good enough compared to them. even if they dont realize that they do this.

the few people i was able to talk with candidly arent close to me anymore.
so where does that leave me?

i feel so lonely, but i guess thats nothing new...

i cant do this.
i feel like im in a room with all the walls closing in on me.
but instead of walls, its people.
i feel so oppressed by all of this bullshit going on lately.
is there a person out there who DOESN'T want something from me?

what part of i don't want to be in a relationship don't all of you get?
I'm happy with the way i am right now. i feel RELIEVED. i feel like someone took a huge LOAD off my shoulders.

what part of I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO IT don't you get?
cause when i say I DON'T CARE doesn't translate into oh yes, please come and vent to me about the very situation i want nothing to do with. repeatedly.

what part of I'm only here when its convenient is so hard to understand?
oh yeah. i forgot. because you're fucking oblivious to everything in the world and god forbid you ever fucking do anything wrong. jesus christ, not you. no no no no. never you. jeez.

does it EVER occur to you that ohhey maybe you fucking did something for me to not want to talk to you? oh, yeah. i forgot your head is too far up your own ass, as well as that cunt's for you to fucking notice.

i DON'T LIKE YOU. you're rude to me, you keep fucking sticking your nose into MY family's business even though its none of yours to know, you have no fucking respect for my parenting techniques. so take the fucking hint. AND STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING HYPOCRITE. ohmygod. do you even understand how insane you drive me with your hypocriticalness? its unbelievable.

why is it that im always the bad guy? why is it always "oh well, because YOU don't like me." so tell me, WHY EXACTLY is it that i DON'T like you. cause apparently you did DO SOMETHING to hurt me for me not to like you. or did i just decide one day ohhey I'm just not gonna like you anymore. Oh, FUCK OFF ALREADY. you're not the saint you're trying to paint yourself out to be. quite the opposite, my dear.


yes. because im the big bad wolf. im the horrible human being.
IM THE BAD GUY. And this is ALL my fault, mhm.

remove one layer and the next is there
keep peeling, my beloved
peeling and chopping
putting in the pan
fry it to translucency
and eat it
let it digest
its only been a year and a half
since he took your heart from your chest
peeled it chopped it fried it ate it spit it out

eventually a new one will grow back
eventually
the tears
will stop

what would it be like if i thought i was pretty
what would it be like if i carried
that knowledge around
like i do the knowledge that im a writer
pretty like peonies pretty like satin pretty
like the child i was
would i speak to you differently
would i be healthier less stressed
less worried
would i buy more shoes or fewer
would i be more or less afraid
of death would i find something else
to hate about myself
would i get this jealous
when your eyes aren't touching me
in this city of movie star beauties
would i be able to write such raw
and seductive words
would you have fallen in love with me sooner
would i have frightened you away
before you had the chance?

i love people that drop you
as soon as something better
and more important seems to
come along.

well, i hope they are worth it
but dont you FUCKING dare
come to me when charming's
magic starts to rub off,
and it all starts to seem very
mundane to you suddenly.

dont think i'll be the one here
waiting for you with advice
in hand, and some hugs with
choice words to make it all
better for you, oh poor you.

cause darling, you drew the
line for me a long time ago,
and my patience is finally up.

sincerely, me.

i am so fucking ripshitting mad i could fucking kill someone. if i ever see your fucking ugly fucking cow face again, i WILL fucking rip your throat out and make you regret the day you were born. which you fucking already should you low life piece of fucking shit.
MUST BE SO FUCKING NICE TO GET EVERYTHING you want in life HANDED TO YOU ON A FUCKING SILVER PLATTER, you spoiled fucking cunt.

i dont deserve any of this, or any of you.
i've always been there for everyone, i've always done everything i fucking could.
but when i need someone to talk to, someone to help me? oh no ones nowhere to be found.
but im good enough to be here when you have something to bitch about or complain. or something to gush about. im good to be here when youre mad or sad or happy. mmhm. but i guess that doesnt work both ways.
im constantly trying to make plans with people, because despite what you fucking think, you can still be a good parent and actually get out once in a while without your kids. but apparently im not good enough or cool enough to be hung out with.
IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED. & ONLY BEING HERE WHEN ITS FUCKING CONVENIENT FOR YOU.

Im so sure that im gonna be branded as some selfish fucking bitch who just wants pity for this. but i dont. i want you to fucking realize how one wayed ALL my relationships are with people. its all take take take take. well im out of everything for you to take.
DONT I DESERVE a better friendship than this? DONT I DESERVE a better family than this?

why dont you just fucking pull the rug from underneath me as well? god knows youve fucking taken everything else from me.

5 years ago today, my immature adolescent heart was broken.
that was along time ago, not something I even think about anymore.
But I may say, that was the first time in my life that I experienced betrayal from someone I thought was special.
I can still remember today how it felt.

6+ years ago, when I moved across the world to be here, did I realize I would be leaving behind the one person in the entirety of my life that has never, not once, hurt me in any way? It seems I didnt. Never did I put much thought into how that would eventually feel. Maybe I should have.

It has been a long time the last time I felt like this. It was under different circumstances, but it feels all the same still.

Slowly, over time, people have taken what they wanted from me. Now I feel like I have been left with nothing.
 It started with taking away from the life I had always wanted. The life of having many friends, semi-popularity, being "cool" and noticed. So I was left with nothing, thrown back to square one again.
  Then he came along, with all the the promises of making everything better again. You all saw him blind the naive innocent 15-year old me. So there I was, too scared to say no, in fear of losing everything I had gained back. With forcibly taking my virginity, did he also take away my only comfort, my only ability to express myself? Perhaps.
  After having his run with me, and throwing me away, I was left with this blankness. Feeling completely void of life.
For a year of trying to trudge along like that, I was presented with what I had wanted for so long.
But this was better. There was no promises. This time, no expectations.
Here was what I wanted, for the rest of my life to be like.
So I gave it my everything. And then some.
After sucking all that I had, and still not being satisfied, I guess I wasnt needed anymore. Vampire.
With that, I was thrown aside. Whether or not realizing that this was the best he would ever find in his measly lifetime, we will never know.
So there I was, out on my ass, with nothing to call my own even.
He had taken away what mattered the most. The love. All of it he had sucked out, like some kind of blood thirsty animal. Such a waste it was.
Yet still, with nothing, I could muster the feelings for him no one could. Still can, though no one would understand why. With one simple phrase, he could have me back in a second. Incubus.

And now here I am. Almost two years later, and nothing has changed. Still with nothing left.

So lonely.
Feel like I have nothing or no one in this world.
No one who cares anymore.
Everyone is so preoccupied with their own lives. Lucky. With their freedom, the careless.
Oh, you fortunate ones.
Once and a while, you stop and you remember me. Out of politeness and good manner you feel compelled to do your part to be friendly.

The lies.
Why do we insist on pretending so much?
After all, Im only here when its convenient.
Maybe no one never told you.
Things dont work like this.

i think that if i ever let someone inside my head, they'd come back completely traumatized from the experience.
theres so much... uncensored crap that goes through my mind throughout the day.
its like since i got pregnant, my mind started working double as much as it used to.
that may be complete bullshit, but... thats how it feels.
or maybe its just the fact that ever since i quit working, all i can do is think. especially when im constantly alone.
i guess i never really fully comprehended what a terrible thing my own head can be.
or maybe thats because even when it got to be this crazy, i always had someone to unload on, somewhere to empty all the bad.
and that no longer applies.
so i guess all the bad just keeps piling and piling inside my head, the more and more i think about it.
its like some kind of tumor. cancer of the mind. you can take out the growths but its so deep in there you can never get everything. you'll always miss some little hairline growth, and it keeps going and going and going...
my head has become so infested, so terminally ill that i cant even begin to open up to people about anything that goes on in there.
its not that i dont want to. its that i cant. i cant make the words come out. it seems impossible to take whats going on inside my head and to convert into sensible words, sentences.
it hurts. i feel like im somehow inhuman. i mean it was never easy for me to be able to express myself vocally, but... now its completely out of the question.

maybe it all got so bad because i stopped writing. writing was my only outlet for everything. thats why im hoping that maybe if i start writing again, ill be able to somehow heal myself, make myself more tolerable to everyone. because the person i have become is someone who i despise. i sometimes cant stand to be in my own skin, thats how much i dislike myself at times.
at times, i want to apologize to certain people for the way i treat them, the way i act, the way i simply am. but yet again, the words simply wont come out.
but how do you tell someone whos supposed to be close to you that you cant open up to them, that the only way you can tell them important things is to make them read it? i feel like that would be a hurtful thing to hear and i dont think i'd want to hear that. but i dont know what else to do anymore. its either this or shutting everyone out, for good.